If you gotta click shit to survive, use this.

http://forum.onehitcombo.net

Do you really want me to?

Why the hell is the first boss seventy-thousand times harder than any of the enemies in the surrounding area?

I mean, for crying out loud, the primary enemies of that area are KELOLONS! They do 0-1 damage per hit!

Even with Shields up I usually end up TPK’d in ten rounds or so. The last eight rounds are just desperate scrambles to give Jensen enough HP to survive even one attack so that he could consider getting a spell off. Does Sleep even work on the goddamned thing? I’ve never actually been able to cast it.

I’ve gone back and started levelling up some in hopes I can change the story. I have a strategy in mind that may help.

Oh, did I mention I bought Lost Odyssey? I totally bought Lost Odyssey.

I’m replaying FF7 right now, and as I’m doin’ it, I’m thinkin’ to myself how fuckin’ amazing it would be to do a remake of it.

We know what Squenix can do graphically these days, so that’s not my concern. I’m far more interested in the writing and voice acting. Some of these lines…

Cloud actually calls Corneo’s goons “scrubs.”

Scrubs.

Was that even a timely reference in 1997? TLC hasn’t been a factor in pop culture for a long time now.

That’s not really important, though. Obviously a re-write would be in order - and EIDOS sorta already did one for the PC port, and thank goodness.

Barret

“If you push the [Directional Button] while holding the [Cancel Button] to run. (Formerly marked X)”

I can’t believe that made it out of QA for the PS1 version. For being one of the first games I ever noticed commercials for, they sure let a lot of really awful translations slide.

Speaking of Barret… you’d need a goddamn good voice actor to pull off the Sector 7 collapse. A goddamned good one. A goddamned good one. Do you see the point I’m trying to make?

Also on the topic of Barret, and now adding Cid, what about the language? The only word that was actually censored in the game was fuck (and its derivatives) - in the wake of games like Grand Theft Auto, and already acknowledging that the game would probably need an M rating due to sexually suggestive content and violence - would they go ahead and say it? Would they leave it was it was? Or would they throw the whole machine into reverse and re-censor or re-write all the swearing?

Aw man I hope it’s not the latter.

Anyway, on the topic of Final Fantasy VII, but not on the topic of how awesome the writing/acting would need to be, I’d like to bring up what one of my friends considers an “Easter Egg” and my brother and I consider “a fucking pain in the ass.”

In Wall Market, towards the end of the Midgar chapter, you climb up to Shin-Ra HQ via the golden shiny wire of hope. Before you do this, you need Batteries from the weapons vendor - he gives you three.

Progressing through the climb section really only requires two Batteries. The third is optional, and you can instead keep the Battery. Okay, so what?

Well, the first playthrough my brother did, he used all three Batteries. He played on, and some 50-60 hours later, he went to Rocket Town and spoke to Shera (Cid was already in the party at the time). She was working on the little car they somehow stashed in a side room, and she said something to the effect of

Shera

“If only I had a Battery, I could get this thing running…”

Shock! So, on his next playthrough, he keeps the other Battery. He tends to it like a middle school student attempting to raise an egg, and finally, goes back to Rocket Town. Hi, Shera! How’s the car comin’ along? Need a battery?

…you don’t?

Shera? Are you sure?

…

Long story short, no matter how many times he went back to talk to her, no matter how many times she was working on the car, she never so much as mentioned the battery.

Now it’s not like we need the car. By the time she’s saying such things, you’ve already got the APC-lookin’ thing back in Nibelheim, the Tiny Bronco for water-crawlin’, and probably the Highwind. So it’s not a huge deal.

But… come on! Battery! RIGHT HERE!

They weren’t entirely necessary, they just existed to spam in.

Unfortunately, all the people that claimed they wanted to spam… didn’t. I guess for a spam board to really work, it needs a thriving community around it. You don’t build a city out of sewers, you build sewers for a city. Or some more relevant analogy.

It’s almost five in the morning and I just spent the past eight hours installing and configuring Ubuntu so don’t bitch to me about my fucking analogies.